Lost

I'm feeling lost lately. This summer is not going as planned. I've struck out at getting a political job and being in New York for two months probably knocks me out of getting steady retail employ. so yeah, I have no job. It royally sucks.

The no job means no money and no ability to really go out to clubs or anything like that, also kind of a bummer. then again the loud music, the cramped space...it's sortta enjoyable, but really, gets old after a little while. Really though, i should just head out somewhere and just sit and write or read or something, but yeah...i'm lazy.

So my complacency also leads to my other problem the depression/sleeplessness. I'm not going into the story of the depression, it involves a girl I still care about deeply and my friends should whack me in the head for still thinking of her as I do. I am in love with her, she'd reject that notion, and I can't really move on for some sad ridiculous reason. But she's all i think about right now when I'm not reading. she always comes to mind, I thought I got past that. everyone's gone through what I'm going through so I think it's not that big a deal...except, I miss her greatly, regret the things I did that led to this, and hope some day she'll forgive me.

So honestly, I'm lost right now...I need to be developing politically, but I can't...some steady money would be nice, but it's not coming any time soon, so I'm sort of stuck in my hole...i need to go out and meet new people, maybe a new woman....but she's always going to be there.

Maybe I'm just arguing against myself because I feel compelled to or something, honestly, I don't know. What I know is I feel lost right now, unsure where I am, where I'm going and what to expect when I get there.